My "Effed" Up Reality
Updated: May 15, 2019
I am a hot mess! It’s true...Is this too much for my first blog post?
“Each of us has a unique part to play in the healing of the world.” ― Marianne Williamson
All I know is that if I’m going to have a blog, I’m going to be as real as I can be (hopefully, without scaring anyone) and admit to you that I would really enjoy a fancy #cocktail right about now!!!
I thought about giving you a few light-hearted posts to slowly segue into my life. I mean seriously, would you walk up to a random stranger and admit that you’re a hot mess? At this point, I would totally welcome a random stranger, declaring her hot messiness out of the blue. #hot #mess
I would reply to her honesty with a strong, “Mmm-hmm, I hear ya sista.” with an “I know that’s right...me too girl!” high-five to follow.
To speak from experience, it’s a huge waste of valuable energy trying to make things look pretty for the approval of others. That false sense of security that says, "you'll like me more because I appear to have it all together". Blah! Being fake is just not worth it! Not that I want to display everything that's going sideways in my life every time I see you, but faking my way through life has become a huge load of sh*t that I’m no longer into dishing out!!!
So, I made myself a promise
“In 2019, I will become my most authentic self.”
Frankly, I like the way authenticity feels!
It’s like a breath of fresh Spring air (without the allergies)!!! Gesundheit!
The fantastic news is that I have been working through some seriously gnarly hang-ups that I have NEVER “worked on” with great intention before! Thankfully, everything I've been dealing with sets the stage for the beautiful reality of what is becoming. I am finally learning how to enjoy the journey and to enjoy simply being ME.
I don’t enjoy facing painful issues head on, but I have chosen to learn how to relax into healing and honor the process. I am allowing myself the love and kindness it takes to make it step by step. While this is certainly NOT easy, I must remind myself daily, hourly, and minute to minute to relax, breathe and love.
I believe in the #truth that all struggle leads to beauty with the right frame of mind. It's who you become from the struggle that makes or breaks you. If you want a fully abundant life, you must be determined to keep moving forward!
So, on my personal journey, I process things by talking about them. I am so grateful for my husband who has always been there to listen. Talking about how I feel has been one of the best ways for me to heal over the years and now, I get to help others along the way!
“Friendship...is born at the moment when one man says to another "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .” ― C.S. Lewis
So, let’s get down to the nitty-gritty.
I don’t want to overload you with the details, so I’ll share the short version and move on as quickly as possible. Between the ages of six and a half and seven years old, I was sexually abused daily for six weeks. This act opened the door to other abuses to take place as well. The trauma of the experience left me daily living in fear and in doubt of my worth. Everything in my life seemed to spiral downward. For the rest of my childhood and teen years, I had no idea who I was. My life belonged to this secret mess and even though I was happy on the outside, there was very real pain inside.
The first person I ever told was my husband, but not until a year after we were married. At this point, it's not important who did it. What matters is, I am and have been taking necessary steps to become complete and whole. It has taken me my entire adult life to work through many things that happened to me.
Learning who I am outside of all of this has been a very real testing of my sanity. This is NOT an exaggeration! Any form of abuse is bad, but sexual abuse for a child is a level entirely on its own. You are vulnerable, very trusting and innocent. My trust, and naturally loving nature, was taken advantage of. I continued to trust, even though I had those gut feelings that something is wrong. I felt that if I said anything, got angry, screamed, or ran away, that I wouldn't be loved by this person. Growing up, the only thing I knew to do was to hide it all.
For years, I tried to push it out of my mind and “just get over it”, but secretly piece by piece, I was breaking inside. My entire childhood was spent carrying someone else's secret sins for them. Even in my own pain, I lowered myself to serve their shame. I was forced into a mold I was never meant to fill. I bent myself to their will so they would not have to face the embarrassment, rejection, pain and even imprisonment of what took place, while my true identity slowly drifted into the dark, even from me.
I am happy to now proclaim and shout this from the depths of my soul...
"I am NOT that child anymore!"
Yes, I have taken that little girl on this journey of healing, but as a woman...
I do not lay down my power in order to be accepted and loved.
I refuse to put myself in relationships that will cause me to question my self-worth. I am a woman who is NOT defined by how people treat her, but how she treats herself and others. I am a woman who has found herself and risen in her once hidden strength!
I have survived a mighty storm that could have destroyed me!
However, I am a woman that is NOT a victim! I’m a survivor, I am a champion!
In THIS now beautiful reality, I am whole. I consider my strength, energy, and life to be valuable beyond measure. I am worthy of an amazing and abundant life with my family. I deserve more than what my past had to offer and
I AM ENOUGH!
I say this to you with fire from the core of my soul...
"There is POWER in your RISE when you refuse to lay down your worth."
Rise up and decide to be who you have been created to be, not who others say you are! There is greatness inside of YOU and it is waiting for you to make the decision to be greater than your circumstances!!!
When I first began my journey of healing and freedom, I didn't have counseling or therapy. I had advice from a small handful of trusted people, but mostly, I had to follow my gut. I did only the things I knew that would further me toward freedom. Even though some of it was very painful emotionally!
I set necessary boundaries for myself and while I work on forgiving, choosing love instead of judgment, and with great intention “let go” of awful memories. On top of everything I have been dealing with major social and mental anxiety issues that I’ve tried to keep hidden as well.
Through these many long years, I've realized that “dealing” with my past would take much more loving energy and caring time than I thought. However, if I would have known what I know now, maybe it wouldn't have taken so long.
Regardless of that fact, realizing that my life and future is worth the effort it has taken, has been healing for my soul. Breaking the habit of suppressing my emotions, hiding in my fears and finally allowing myself to “feel” for the first time was very challenging, but wonderfully liberating!
I believe that this point in my life is the beginning of experiencing complete wholeness and freedom. I am holding strong to the FACT that if I can face this, deal with it, and heal from awful things, so can you!
The truth is, it's time to move on and help others! I've spent far too long grieving and heartbroken over the things I cannot change. I've discovered that the power to rise above what should have destroyed me, lies within me! It’s time to move forward! It’s time to break away from old mindsets and old ways of being. It's time to create a new path for myself and for those who want to follow me on this journey of healing.
I named my blog, "My Beautiful Reality" because I purposefully choose to see the beauty in my life in spite of the "effed up" situations I've been through.
I choose to get up every day, to see beauty, live love, forgive and move forward! I choose to see the good, live authentically and be completely open to the limitless abundance and goodness that is available for my life!
If you are reading this and you can't seem to move beyond your past, please know that I'm here for you! You are not reading this by mistake. You have an amazing future! All you have to do is take the first step and believe that you are worthy of so much more. Even if it feels like a lie to tell yourself that you're worthy, say it anyway. It is the ultimate truth!
Let me know what this post has meant to you as I would love to hear from you!
Sending you love and hugs from my heart to yours!!!